Archive for the ‘Grandma’ Category

Busy
March 27, 2014

Have seriously been wanting to write but seriously been so busy– The grandmama life with a live in grandchild is a whirlwind. A little glimpse for you–
Even if on weekdays I only see her briefly in the evening (she usually leaves for daycare before I get up) she fills each of those moments with her distracting cuteness. She provides our dinner entertainment and then takes me by the hand to accompany her and Pa for her bedtime routine. Her teeth are brushed and she is washed up before she leaves her high chair. Diaper gets changed, jammies put on, Good Night Moon read, prayers said–and then her special sleepy time song: “Winkle, Winkle Little Star”–Hopefully then to sleep–never a guarantee how soon!

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Preparing–
June 6, 2013

      Trying to get ready for not sure what and not sure when–Son is working on the process of becoming parental unit to Fireball but not a clear idea of what the continuum is or where the finish line is–  Meanwhile having her on the weekends, presumably until his daycare can officially enroll her–not that they offered daycare as a choice for me when I felt unable to take her full time–

      Rose will be here Sunday night to begin our summer journey of one week on and one week gone–looking forward to her Sunshine presence but still at a loss at exactly how to synthesize her time with Fireball’s–  Have had some practice on the weekends but wonder what it will be like if/when Fireball is here full time.  Will there be jealousy, instead of eagerness now about her “sleepovers”?  Will sharing previously owned clothes/toys/books lose it’s luster?  Will she feel displaced by the “newer model”?  Will daycare for Fireball seem more exciting than spending time with Grandma?

       And how will Grandma hold up here?  The past year has held such huge loss that was so debilitating and now there is restoration but somehow the energy to deal with it seems so insufficient.  I never expected this outcome at all and I am still at such a loss at how to deal with it.  I love Fireball so much and yet to trust in the fact that her presence may well become part of my daily existence is still an overwhelming thought—that I am at a loss at how to prepare for–

Mothers’ Day Musing–
May 12, 2013

So what can be said–a good part of the day spent with little Fireball. After nine months without her, she returns at long last to our lives!! A little bit of grandma-mama, a big bit of uncle-pa. My son is stepping forward to be her paternal unit and somehow, I get at least a little brush with mama-ness.
I wonder if the reason that so much got lost from what I expected with my Rose is because now it is required for my Fireball–I just know that there may be little left for any successors to them…

A Moment in Time–
April 5, 2012

A special moment this morning-actually a pretty special morning: My daughter brought grand-baby girl Fire over to spend some time with Rose. A chance for some sisterly + maternal bonding with grandma as kind of a side dish–
We sat outside in the Spring sunshine, Rose + Mama played while Fire baby + I cuddled on a blanket. Perhaps nothing too noteworthy for some families but epic for ours so duly noted + appreciated-at least by me. The times like this have been far too few so when they do occur they are events to be engraved into my memories because there are never assurances there will be an encore-

Grandmama indeed–
April 3, 2012

Today I received my first memorable validation of the grandmama status that I had once hoped to have and I didn’t even have to be the one to explain  it–the woman who gave it just knew.   My Rose and I were at the grocery store and the cashier in the lane adjacent to ours said hi to her.  I was rather surprised as she is probably my least favorite store employee because she has often treated me rather crankily–including catching me obliviously using expired coupons and telling me she was doing me a favor by not letting me use them, which perhaps I may understand  if I were a youth and she was my elder but she is the far younger of the two of us.   She then asked Rose where her mommy was and my cashier interrupted something to the effect that I was the mommy grandma–she knew!  The other cashier asked if that was indeed so–that I took care of her and I answered proudly “yes”  and regretfully “sometimes”.    They also commented on her happiness and cuteness (well, of course I know all about that!)–but the best part of all was that the woman knew where my heart truly is–

Where??
August 2, 2011

I cannot understand where this summer has gone to–I think  it could perhaps have melted because of the way too many hot days we have had–or perhaps washed away by all the rain–anyhow it is dwindling away and now I am anticipating, with mixed emotions,  my last week with my Rose next week–eager for the time with her but so very sad that the substantial time is almost gone–

Looking back on what we have done, I feel it is so minimal–not many trips to the park or swimming or library-been shopping a few times, which she loves-always finding at least one person in the store to bond with-sharing her warm and wonderful smile.   It seems she is enjoying more and more to help with gardening, picking flowers and literally baptizing them in the bird bath.  Her major revelation that she shared with me is that rose petals are shaped like hearts– I know I never saw that before–and how appropriate for her, my Rose, to discover.  Her love of animals has spread to include “squirms” (worms)–one of her major summer vocabulary words–and she is endlessly fascinated by ants, spiders, and all things crawly.

Her love of books has been strong as ever and combining it with her love of animals, she was elated to see a display of Clifford book stuffed toys at a department store–she had to give one of each breed a hug and willingly relinquished them–happy to be allowed to just bring one home.  (Cleo, the purple poodle–the only girl dog in one of her favorite colors–I couldn’t leave her behind!)  She has continued bonding with our real cats, even allowing Snickers–her favorite–to care for one of her stuffed ones when she had to leave us–

And the leaving–a topic in itself–Never, ever, ever does it get one morsel easier to say farewell to her–Always, always there are tears and now she can verbalize “it’s hard to say good-bye”–at least she isn’t the one crying–

Verbalizing continually–On a particularly rough day, which are blessedly rare, we were discussing who in the house is boss and she stated unequivocally that she is Princess Boss.  I had to quickly come back with Queen Boss–but I think somebody is quite well aware of princess power and more than eager to utilize it–Of course when she is the cutest child my son and I have ever seen we have to constantly be on guard for her continual attempts to wind us around her charming little finger–

Oh my dearest Rose, you are maturing so quickly and on the verge of being a preschooler in a few short weeks–please, please let some of the summer’s happy moments together be written on your heart to carry with you and let nothing take them away–

Blossoming—
April 23, 2011

Yes, it has been a long winter but my lovely Rose continues to blossom and grow so rapidly it makes my head and heart spin!   The moments she is here are truly always springtime, no matter what the calendar (or forecast) may say.  As she is trekking thru the mine-field of being “two years old” (not just “two” as she explains),  her increasing thought process  is amazing.  To maintain domination over the couch, she proclaims both ends as “her spot”.  When putting away toys, there is a sudden need “to go potty first”–which requires of course hand-washing and lotion afterwards but then “can’t put away toys with lotion on”.   When saying evening prayers,  the family animals come up without reminders–and Snickers (her BFF kitty) twice!  And then there is always “one more” of many things (especially fruit, chocolate, and good night squeezy hugs)–they become usually several more, an interesting translation of toddler talk.

But a few of the most special moments for me were  during our all too brief Spring break week together:  First of all, going to the drugstore with her and having her adamantly request looking thru the greeting card aisle–some grandma DNA from me has to have transferred for that to occur (we both love sparkly cards!).  Second,  when we talked about how she has a most of the time home with her Auntie N and Uncle B (and Cousin B) yet this is also a home here with Grandma and Uncle C–in part, because it was truly her first home and always will be-Her response was an emphatic “Thank you so much, Grandma!”  and I think somehow she is beginning to understand in some small way–Lastly, one day walking up the back sidewalk we kicked a rock and she said “Remember last summer,  kick rocks Grandma?”–I was astounded how she remembered and I hope and pray that the tales of our all too seldom together times will remain as indelibly etched in her heart as they are in mine–

The one who makes life be real–
October 24, 2010

To steal a line from my son, “It’s not morning til she says “Good morning”–I guess that’s one reason it is so hard to say good bye to my Rose when it is time for her to leave–She is the one who makes life be real, who makes it clear what priorities should be, who fills the day with her laughter & her love–

She is always so ready to share, she even makes “tea” for our kitty cats & brings them their toys to play with.    Her first stop in the house when she arrives for a visit is always her book bin, with the eager squeal of  “Read it-please!”  She wants to help “clean up”:  her toys, the crumbs on her high chair tray, the leaves outside (even with a rake twice her size).  So eager to be where the action is at that now even nap time & bed time are becoming harder for her to handle because she just doesn’t want to miss anything going on.  It is such a total enthusiasm for life–as a church friend said a few weeks back–perhaps it is because it is all still so very new to her.   And her zest spills over to those of us who are privileged to watch her & listen to her laugh & sing–

If only we didn’t have to say good-bye–

Second-string Grandma
October 10, 2010

Well, I guess the way it appears to be is that the grandmama concept was just a fantasy–For all the love, effort, tears, time, and legal fees invested I end up being the second-string grandma.   I have never been a very good or gracious loser (even with lots of practice because I have lost a lot of people and possessions) and, for my Rose’s behalf, I am trying really hard to at least be gracious.  I hope it at least appears that way to the other side because it sure is requiring every bit of fortitude I possess.   The loss of the hope of being grandmama is hard enough but to be second-string grandma is even harder…

I try to “relish” the moments that I do possess (thanks to a sister-grandma at church this am for that lovely word) but sometimes when I feel so inadequate at being able to have those moments–and so afraid of losing them– it is more than difficult  to do.   I look at her beautiful little self and want to be able to hold her whenever I want and I can’t–it is all a proscribed legal document.   And then I think about the fact  that part of what makes it that way is the choice of my daughter–who I love and feel at times I have lost–that she is the one who has relegated me to this position and she doesn’t even want to be mama–it just all feels so irreconcilably wrong that all I have left to do is cry.

But then my Rose looks at me with those gorgeous blue eyes that I know came from my daddy and I feel the love that she does feel for me and I know that the tears have to be saved for a different time–when she’s not here–and what I must reflect back to her is the incredible love I feel for her–

Princess has left the building
September 12, 2010

After an all too brief weekend, the silence has descended again as the princess has departed.   This time, due to a rearranged schedule and me getting ill, it was three weeks apart from her–amazing how much changes so rapidly at her age!  At first sight, she seemed like a totally different child–taller and more mature looking–but of course as soon as I held her in my arms, I knew I had my Rosebud back.

More new words and phrases in her vocabulary-“I do it myself” and “mine” popped up more frequently and, for the first time, today I heard “why?”  I am sure that will  be followed by a million more–the girl most definitely has an inquiring mind–as she has already said “what that?”” countless times in the past months–sometimes leaving me stymied as I try to discern exactly which “that” she is referring to–

But the most precious moments, well actually  the second most precious –after how she cuddles into my arms and melts into me with her hugs–was her decorating her toy riding car this afternoon with flowers.  We picked some pink flowers that coordinated with her outfit-she smelled them and declared them “yummy” and then put them on the steering wheel of the car.  Definitely an appearance of her grandma’s flower loving genes–no matter what there is a part of me that she carries inside her–

Even if I feel like my soul and my light are lost in some huge abyss when she is not with me, at least a little piece of my soul is with her and flickers of my light can shine thru her–so she can keep hope burning to reflect back to me when we are together again…

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