Second-string Grandma

Well, I guess the way it appears to be is that the grandmama concept was just a fantasy–For all the love, effort, tears, time, and legal fees invested I end up being the second-string grandma.   I have never been a very good or gracious loser (even with lots of practice because I have lost a lot of people and possessions) and, for my Rose’s behalf, I am trying really hard to at least be gracious.  I hope it at least appears that way to the other side because it sure is requiring every bit of fortitude I possess.   The loss of the hope of being grandmama is hard enough but to be second-string grandma is even harder…

I try to “relish” the moments that I do possess (thanks to a sister-grandma at church this am for that lovely word) but sometimes when I feel so inadequate at being able to have those moments–and so afraid of losing them– it is more than difficult  to do.   I look at her beautiful little self and want to be able to hold her whenever I want and I can’t–it is all a proscribed legal document.   And then I think about the fact  that part of what makes it that way is the choice of my daughter–who I love and feel at times I have lost–that she is the one who has relegated me to this position and she doesn’t even want to be mama–it just all feels so irreconcilably wrong that all I have left to do is cry.

But then my Rose looks at me with those gorgeous blue eyes that I know came from my daddy and I feel the love that she does feel for me and I know that the tears have to be saved for a different time–when she’s not here–and what I must reflect back to her is the incredible love I feel for her–


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