Too Quickly 

August 22, 2016 - Leave a Response

Again the summer has passed too quickly and the extended times with my Rose are returning back to the alternate weekends of the school year.  It has been a too eventful summer with great grandma being ill and Uncle and Fireball moving out (a whole other post if I have a chance to write it).  Today I was pushed into writing by my favorite author, Anne Lamott, who made her Facebook friends promise to invest half an hour in a creative pursuit. 

Yesterday I thought about here–had a poetic line rolling around in my head about the grasshoppers in the backyard calling Rose’s name and wondering where she was.   She loves chasing them and I saw some huge ones.  Should have been “our weekend” but got taken away at the last moment–and I was broken-hearted.   A lot of that the last months–losing Snickers (Rose’s feline friend since birth, mine for 15 years), losing Prince, cancer taking loved ones and loved ones wrestling with it, friends close doing distancing things, so much I haven’t even words to describe. Have learned that lawnmowing  is a good time for tears–when one is wrestling with overgrown grass a grimace is a logical face to wear and no one can hear you cry.   

We did have fun together–our melted marshmallows that turned into epoxy, watching the Olympics,  walking and finding huge bird feathers, reading and baking.  It just passes way too fast–


Back Again

July 14, 2015 - Leave a Response

Can’t believe how infrequently I have been being here as indeed this is one of my total happy places.  Being a grandma with a live in dear granddaughter, being a mom to her daddy/ my live in adult son (without being too bossy), contemplating what I can do to help my vulnerable adult daughter when I am so weary of that, attempting sometimes to actually be a daughter (a neglected task), caring for my four fur children, working, and trying to keep my house and yard together has been a whirlwind–Now during summer I have a bit of time to breathe–but I am not good at doing that because I feel the need, however futile it is, to try to catch up–keep reminding myself, as my Flylady mentor says, to just jump in where I am at and do the best I can with baby steps but I am so impatient with myself.

My Rose is here for the summer alternate weeks, sort of, becoming more complicated as she gets older with more social commitments at her other home.  She is learning to read which is awesome!  And she is learning to be more argumentative–not so much awesome.  She still loves flowers and bugs and our cats and smoothies and stuffed animals.  She still takes my breath away every time I look at her, I guess that is a built in factor with first grandchildren!

My Fireball is still her glowing self–getting smarter and smarter and never slowing down.  Her comedic skills are awesome, especially at breakfast on the week-end.   She loves music as ever, creating her own songs such as “Rockabye Baby Jesus”.  She loves to be helpful and put stuff away, even sometimes when you beg her not to–  She loves the cats dearly although still maintains that dogs are grandma’s favorite animal.  Her favorite expression after prayers every night is “Hallelulah!” which I hope never changes–tho I know it will some day–

They are ever my sunshines, my dearest earthly gifts.

New Year and New Growth

January 3, 2015 - Leave a Response

And it is the start of another year. Big changes for oldest granddaughter, my Rose, who has started kindergarten. Amazing how quickly the increased independence goes to their little heads. But so exciting how she is starting to be able to read some words
Over Christmas we had some bonus time together–teaching her to cut out paper snowflakes was some of our sweetest time. Sharing peanut butter and honey toast. And when she gave me a ceramic cat bank with roses on that had been hers–because she wanted to share it with me.
And Fireball also grows smarter and funnier with each passing day. Highly impressive today she was putting clothes on hangers–pretty awesome for a two year old. She knows more and more words, helps clear the table after she eats, and tonight even gave a squeezy hug–as Rose does.
The two girls love each other so much. Listening to them laugh and chatter together is the sweetest music. They are the best gift–


March 27, 2014 - Leave a Response

Have seriously been wanting to write but seriously been so busy– The grandmama life with a live in grandchild is a whirlwind. A little glimpse for you–
Even if on weekdays I only see her briefly in the evening (she usually leaves for daycare before I get up) she fills each of those moments with her distracting cuteness. She provides our dinner entertainment and then takes me by the hand to accompany her and Pa for her bedtime routine. Her teeth are brushed and she is washed up before she leaves her high chair. Diaper gets changed, jammies put on, Good Night Moon read, prayers said–and then her special sleepy time song: “Winkle, Winkle Little Star”–Hopefully then to sleep–never a guarantee how soon!

Christmas Eve

December 24, 2013 - Leave a Response

Oh my dear girls! How I would wish and dream for a fairy tale Christmas for both of you– but how finite is your grandma. I would want a lovely decorated house, inside and out–every room beautiful. Scores of yummy looking and tasting cookies. Piles of enticingly pretty presents. Candles sparkling and shining. Scent of fresh pine. Stockings stuffed to overflowing. Melodic carols wafting thru the house their lovely tunes.
Not so much. Bits and pieces– but isn’t the most important gift of all the love I have for you both? I hope so, my dears.

Plus One

July 30, 2013 - Leave a Response

So now we are plus one–and the whole world has changed. After being basically two adults (well, mom and son with whatever dynamics that entails when son is in mid-20’s), we are now adults with a baby/toddler. Today is a low energy day for mom/grandma here and time is being allowed for me to actually think about this…
There haven’t been too many opportunities for low energy days–adding one more person who has a radically different schedule to accommodate, different nutritional needs, different sleep needs–it requires a lot of energy and adaptability. Of course that is falling most heavily on my son but also on me too.
But then there is her adorable Fireball personality–her total drama queen expressions from delight to despair which can fluctuate in a moment. Her infectious smile and laugh, her attempts at new vocabulary words–from “owl” to “Dexter”, her eyebrows that raise as she gulps her milk, her bursts of tears with hands to her forehead as something is just too dire for her to handle (which is so funny to watch it is hard to be appropriately sympathetic)–
She may be plus one but she brings a million new facets to our lives…


June 6, 2013 - Leave a Response

      Trying to get ready for not sure what and not sure when–Son is working on the process of becoming parental unit to Fireball but not a clear idea of what the continuum is or where the finish line is–  Meanwhile having her on the weekends, presumably until his daycare can officially enroll her–not that they offered daycare as a choice for me when I felt unable to take her full time–

      Rose will be here Sunday night to begin our summer journey of one week on and one week gone–looking forward to her Sunshine presence but still at a loss at exactly how to synthesize her time with Fireball’s–  Have had some practice on the weekends but wonder what it will be like if/when Fireball is here full time.  Will there be jealousy, instead of eagerness now about her “sleepovers”?  Will sharing previously owned clothes/toys/books lose it’s luster?  Will she feel displaced by the “newer model”?  Will daycare for Fireball seem more exciting than spending time with Grandma?

       And how will Grandma hold up here?  The past year has held such huge loss that was so debilitating and now there is restoration but somehow the energy to deal with it seems so insufficient.  I never expected this outcome at all and I am still at such a loss at how to deal with it.  I love Fireball so much and yet to trust in the fact that her presence may well become part of my daily existence is still an overwhelming thought—that I am at a loss at how to prepare for–

Mothers’ Day Musing–

May 12, 2013 - Leave a Response

So what can be said–a good part of the day spent with little Fireball. After nine months without her, she returns at long last to our lives!! A little bit of grandma-mama, a big bit of uncle-pa. My son is stepping forward to be her paternal unit and somehow, I get at least a little brush with mama-ness.
I wonder if the reason that so much got lost from what I expected with my Rose is because now it is required for my Fireball–I just know that there may be little left for any successors to them…

Never Enough–

January 1, 2013 - Leave a Response

Two days after saying good-bye to my Rose, I am still picking up the remnants of her visit.  The Christmas stocking presents, the books, the glitter–which is now scattered all thru the house in spite of my efforts to contain it and I think will remain to eternity–  And I miss her so much–  No matter what amount of time we have or how many things we get to do together, it is never ever enough–it is always feeling like she is getting ripped away right in the midst of it and leaving us with jagged, raw edges.

Somehow her leaving brings back all the other leavings we have been thru with her. and with her mom, and now with Fireball–Fireball who is still gone and who I am having less and less hope of having return.  I have been thru coming to terms that I maybe wouldn’t ever become a grandma and once the miracle of Rose was born, I didn’t imagine having to lose her.   Fireball I had greater fears about and now it is a matter of living with the nightmare become real– And all we had with her was a brief few months–

I know in some ways, I am being selfish–I have friends who have had their babes depart for heaven and not spend time on earth–but they know where their babes are–Fireball is for all practical purposes vanished–I struggle with that being allowed by God, when it is a matter of government bureaucracy-

Fireball – Where are you?

November 12, 2012 - Leave a Response

Wondering about who is cuddling my little Fireball this day–over three months since I have seen her. Mama was on the edge of hospital and now she has fallen over and it hasn’t been a pretty sight.
I want to see my grandbaby and hold her in my arms–amazing how all these bureaucrats can be so unaware of what seems so simple. To have a baby be with the people who love her the most.

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